I love my life now. My son means everything to me. I would do
anything for him. Nothing and no-one is more important than him. My
child Adam.
"J'ai fini, papa", Adam said. "Papa, est'ce- que je peux jouer à un jeu
video avant d'aller a l'eécole?"
"Speak in English, please Adam. Here in Canada it is easier if we are
able to speak English and French."
Yes, today would be for us both. He doesn't need school every day to
learn. Today he can learn with me. Maybe even watch the tape of Elena
like we did a month or so ago.
"Adam, you can stay home from school today if you want to. In the
afternoon, I have to go get some supplies from the town and it's a
perfect day to spend together."
Adam's face cheers me up when I see that smile like he has now. It
takes me back to when we were a complete family. Husband, wife,
then child.
"Wow, daddy! Sure I'll stay home with you. Can we watch mommy's
tape as well?"
I didn't even have to suggest it. Smart boy. Loving boy. Misses his
mother almost as much as I do.
"Of course, Adam. Let's do it in about fifteen minutes. After I finish my
breakfast. Can you set up the tape machine for us?"
Not like last time when he tried to put it in upside down and pushed all
the wrong buttons.
"Daddy, I'm older and smarter than last time."
I laugh at him saying things like that. I am seeing him grow and change
right before my eyes. I see him stop and change direction to come
towardas me. And I know it's going to be a huge hug time.
Yes, a huge hug from him and a huge hug to him.
"I love you, daddy. More than ever. You're the best!"
Best! Best? No, Adam. I am not. If I was the best I would have
protected you. I would have protected your mother. I was not free
enough to look after you both properly as a husband and father should.
The Section owned me. If there was a person who can be called the
best it is Nikita. She set me free from the Section even though she had
to stay. She is the best. No. Better than the best. She is better
because she did the best for me and for you. And would have if Elena
was alive as well. No, Adam I am not the best. I may do my best, but
that will still feel like the greatest to you. The best, and better than the
best, give up their freedom for someone else.
"Ready, daddy."
I know what will happen now. It's almost a ritual for watching the
television. I'll sit down in the chair and Adam will come over and sit
between my legs, grabbing them with his small hands. For comfort, and
also protection.
"Ready, daddy?"
"Make it happen, Adam." Our way of saying yes.
Adam picked up a remote. Put it down again. Yes, I do that as well.
The remotes look almost the same. Maybe I should change one of
them? The cartoon image on the large screen changes to the image I
don't want to see, but it is the image I see all the time alone at night.
My wife Elena. Smiling. Laughing. Us as a family. The old dad, mom
and one of two-point-four children. The family that I cannot get back,
no matter how hard I want it. So I must go on. Somehow make my life
and Adam's better than it is now. Not as good as it was, just better
than now. Elena once told me I was the greatest man she ever knew.
Greater than all the other men she had known. I was not her first
lover. She had known a few men before me. Once she was in love but
he was not in love with her. I fell in love with Elena very soon after
meeting her. She was an amazing woman. The greatest woman I
knew at one stage in my life. I know that for a fact. I also know that I
was not the greatest man she loved. I was just better than all but one
of the others.
And my other wife, my Section wife, part of my life in Section, Simone.
She thought I was a great man but I really wasn't. It just felt good to be
with another in the same circumstances as me. Both stuck in Section.
Both dying at any time. Both lonely and afraid. Not great, just good for
each other at the time.
And also the other woman, before the Section came into my life. My
sister. After our parents died. I had to look after her for some time. I
saw her once many years afterwards. She was married and had a
young son. About Adam's age. It would be nice for them to meet. I
know things will work out for her. She deserves the best. She told me I
was a great brother and a role model for her and any children she may
have. Little does she know what I did after I supposedly died by
suicide. Sometimes I wish it was a viable option.
The image on the screen has stopped and Adam is moving towards the
screen. I see Elena on a swing. It is stopped so she is at the bottom of
a forward swing. Her smile as wide as it could ever get. Adam
touching her face with his hand. I must have gotten up as my hand is
now touching his hand and Elena's image. Adam is sobbing very
audibly. I probably am, too. I can feel the tears almost out of my eyes
and a thought away from my cheeks. Tears I have cried before. For
Elena. For Simone. For my son. For all I have hurt in some way. For
Lisa Fanning. I cried for her because she was married to an evil man.
She said I made her feel good, that I was a good man. She is wrong.
She might have felt good but it was only a mission to me. Good people
do nice things for other good people. I just did nice things to accomplish
the mission. The good thing I did was send her some money and told
her to learn to fly. Told her to take up painting again. And told her to
never be with a man who fails to treat her as she deserves.
The phone ringing wakes me from my musings.
"I'll get it , daddy"
Adam has jumped like Pavlov's dog. I used to be the same. Knowing
that who was calling could only be the call I never wanted to take. This
time it could be anyone. The mechanic telling me my generator is
fixed. The store owner asking if I am coming in later on. The school
calling to enquire about Adam's absence.
I remember Elena talking to a school teacher once about Adam. I look
at the screen to see her picture. Her image is not there but I still see
her face in my mind.
"No, ma'am, but please hold and I shall pass the phone to my daddy.
Maybe he can help you."
Yes. The school calling. Or the shop. Or the mechanic's secretary.
Anybody but who it always was.
"Hello?" I say. My voice deep. I know that it has gotten deeper for
some reason over the last six months.
" Jacques"
NO. The woman's voice brings back memories that I never wanted to
see again. To hear again. To be again.
Adam has picked up the remote and I look at the screen. Just as he
pushed the start button again. The image is in my mind. Building, Fire.
Plane.
Elena's image has been replaced by something horrible. The screen
shows Elena on the swing again. Up and down. Smiling. Forward and
back. Laughing. Up and down. Smiling. Forward and back. Laughing.
Blowing a kiss to the camera, me. That's what is on the screen now.
Not what I see in my head. Both images seem to be looping.
I say, "Oui." And put the phone down.
"Papa, qui est Jacques? Est-ce qu'il est gentil?"
My son. Looking at me and asking if a man that does not exist is nice.
Does a man that does not exist have the right to be ..anything? Does he
have the right to be a father?. Is he even alive?
Does he have the right to be nice? Define the word. Nice. A thing is
nice. Something you do for another that makes them feel good is nice.
Is there such a thing as a nice person? Best person, better person,
great person, good person. All of these people exist. A nice person
does not exist. Even the evil people do something. Nice people do
nothing, so they get nothing, so they do not exist. Is Jacques a nice
man?
"Non, Adam, il n'est pas gentil. C'est un ..."
I think of what I have done during my life in Section. I think of what has
happened to make Nikita break her promise and find me. I think of what
happened today and what will happen later on today and I think of what
will happen in the future.
"… hero."
Translations :
Adam :
All finished, Papa.
Papa, can I play a video game for ten minutes? Before I go to school?
Daddy, who is Jacques? Is he a nice man?
Michael :
No, Adam he is not a nice man. He is a ..hero."